Why Today is Really Tuesday

Today is Wednesday.
But really today should be Tuesday.

Specifically, it should be last Tuesday, because that's when I was supposed to post something here.

And I didn't.

I thought about it that night... but I stayed up (unreasonably) late doing math homework. And by that time it was Wednesday.

And I thought about it last Wednesday, and I thought, "I'll write something for yesterday, and something for it being late..." and I didn't.

And that just kept happening. I kept meaning to write something to make up for missing, but then it just kept getting worse, and I kept not writing anything.

Now, a week later, I feel I have to apologize, if not to my small but lovely fan-base (consisting mainly of my mother and friends that I have pestered into reading these), then to myself. I started this as something to do, some way to write when I was not required by classes and professors to write, because it is something I enjoy doing. But I don't know if I need to apologize, I just need to explain.

It's the kind of instance where I have a plethora of reasons for not writing something these past two Tuesdays.
I stayed up late doing math homework.
I was busy with Greek Week, and the obligations that entails.
I was busy with my actual writing classes.
... I was busy making up for work I had forgotten about in my writing classes.
I was snowed in at my friend's house because of Nemo...

I could go on, but the reasons aren't reasons. They're excuses, and I know that. So when I realized that another Tuesday had gone by and I still had posted nothing to make up for my misstep, I started thinking about why exactly I had stalled out in the first place.
It wasn't like I was too busy every moment of every day between now and my first missed Tuesday - I had thought about it. I had opened the website. I had started hand-writing a piece. I had started a piece on my site, but never published it, never even finished it. I could say that nothing I write is ever done, but this was different. I never even wanted to post it. And I know why, too.

I never wanted to post it because it wasn't the real reason I hadn't written anything.
So as I walked to church this morning because it is Ash Wednesday, and whatever my scruples are with God, it is something I have always done, and probably always will do, I thought about how I've been feeling. Really feeling. It's something I've talked about to my friends at school, and briefly to my parents, but it isn't something I have talked about here.

I am graduating.
I am a second semester senior who has only two major, and three minor courses to finish out her schoolwork and get her bachelors.
I'm also a Screenwriting major. And that means there is a binary of what I do after I graduate. I move to Los Angeles and try to work and write and sell movies, or I don't. Now the "don't" outcome seems pretty vague, and that's just how I've been feeling about it. There are options I have, things I can do, but I just don't know what they are.

So every time the topic of graduating comes up, or my parents call and ask what I want to do for graduation dinner (because, yes, they do need to make reservations in February for May...) I start to panic a little. Or maybe more than a little.
It is just getting to the point where my friends are starting to figure out what they're doing, and how they're doing it and it makes me feel even more lost. Like my friends who are going to grad school are starting to hear back from schools (which is exciting and wonderful and congratulations to all of you!). Or my friends who aren't going to grad school, and are making plans for where they're moving and trying to find jobs (again, congratulations and good luck!).
And then there's me. Me, the crazy person who has options and dreams and goals and support (really, truly endless support) and I have not done A THING about what I do after I graduate (which, by the way, is less than 100 days away). It's not that I don't know what I want to do.  I want to move back to London and work there and live there and have it be perfect. But I would be moving there, alone, and finding a flat alone, and trying to make ends meet and find a job and be happy, alone. So I don't know if that's what I want to do right now. Or I want to be a math tutor, or substitute teach and be a para at my mom's school, or something. Anything. The world is my freaking oyster. And I don't know what to do with all that.
Sometimes even, the support is overwhelming. My parents love me and want me to be happy, and know that when I want something, I'll find a way to make it happen. And it is lovely and encouraging, but I don't know what to do with that either.
There's one other thing. It's like something we're learning in my probability class, combination theory, that there are any number of outcomes and the desired sample space is k. So in my case k is equal to one. There are hundreds of options, and I have to choose one. That if I choose one, that means I don't choose any other outcome. And that when I choose one thing to do, I want it to be the right one.

And now that I have sufficiently over-thought all of this, and how I am a terrible student/friend/housing person, I would like to crawl under the desk I am sitting at and just wait for it all to not matter.
But I know that's not how it works. So maybe graduating, and being an adult and all that is the simple fact that when it all gets to be too much to handle and we want to hide under our covers and wait for our mommies to make it better with some soothing words and hair stroking and maybe some chocolate chip cookies, we actually take a moment, a step back, and a deep breath. A deep breath to hold in the shuttering sobs of panic, and just keep working, knowing that a weekend, or a break, or something will come and that somehow, at the end of the day, it will be okay.

So really, I didn't write because I was too paniked to write, which, of course, means that I should have done all of this two Tuesdays ago.

Thanks for reading.

The Doctor Lands in Acathi - by Momma Sauk

My mother writes fan fiction... I'm so proud.

One of my favorite T.V. shows is Doctor Who. He is a Time Lord and travels the Universe. On a recent episode The Doctor travelled to a faraway galaxy. His time machine, the TARDIS, went out of control when it encountered a meteor tempest.  This made the Tardis flounder in space. Suddenly he landed on a place he had never been before, the planet of Acathi. He found that Acathi is a primitive land. Some parts were scorched and shriveled because the planet has two suns and little water.  While he was exploring, he met the Baders, some of the natives from a local tribe. Their dwellings were inconspicuous as they took advantage of the cracked earth to hide in. The Baders were very friendly to The Doctor because they had heard tales of him from other visitors. The Baders invited The Doctor to dine with them. A banquet was served where there was a cornucopia of strange new foods and drinks.  Since he was ravenous from all his exploring, he eagerly began to eat. During the meal the head chief, Navi, explained how they had trounced a rival tribe in a big battle with few casualties on their side. One of the strategies they used was decoy warriors. Navi was able to articulate how they won the battle through hand gestures. Although The Doctor enjoyed his visit, it was time to go and with the familiar sounds of squealing, off he went in the TARDIS.

It started as a Word of the Day practice for her eighth graders, but it's so wonderful, I had to share.

Hope you like it! Momma Sauk might even make another appearance...