Love is Not At Random

Just last night, I heard this line in my head, completely out of nowhere.
"I refuse to believe that this is what you want."

Now, this happens quite often to me, getting movie or television quotes or song lyrics stuck in my head, usually just a line or two, but when you string them all together, I think it means something. Some way my subconscious tells me about how I've been feeling and with a commentary on it. Kind of like the way a dream can make you rethink something in your waking life.

So, naturally as part of the online generation, I googled the line to see what it was from.
And I got nothing.
So I did some more googling and I found this line, and it just seemed too perfect for words: "I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that love is at random." - Charlotte York

That's what this week is about. Love.
Because I've wanted to talk about it for a while, but I never know how.
Because it's always something I want to talk about, no matter what.
Because that's who I am, and I love that most about myself, how I love.

I love completely, generally unconditionally, with all my heart, and until it kills me. Even though I love this most about myself, I am not always like this. Sometimes I feel I love too much, and I feel like it does kill me. I begin to doubt myself, and how I live and mostly how I love. But time passes, and I heal, just as I always do, as everyone does, and I go back to my place of peace and love.

I also travel a lot. I feel like it's not all that much, but it is. Probably. I can't even being to count the number of plane rides I've taken, the number of cities I've visited, the sheer uncountable number of people I have met and befriended over my last 21 years. Strangely, the number of people I've seen, and the number of places I've seen them, doesn't even begin to come close to the number of people on this Earth. So logically, there is a greater chance that I have not met most of the people I could possibly be happy with in my life. (This is based off the idea that I, and everyone, can be happy with a handful of people, not just one, or The One.) And statistically, that's true, and based on probability, and everything else I can learn in all of my math classes, it's completely true.

But that's not what I believe, no matter how much of a mathematician I feel like I may be.
Because more than anything, student, writer, child, sister, I am a lover. A lover of love. And I don't believe that love is at random. I think love makes us better people, but people change, and our needs change. What you needed from a companion in high school and college are different from what you need as an adult with a job and a family.

Love is big and magnificent, and more than I can hope to talk about all at once. But I'll end with another quote, this time from Helen Keller, "I believe in the immorality of the soul because I have within me immortal longings."

And of course, just like usual, I figure out where the line came from. Just as I've figured everything else out. But the line itself was never the point.