I remember when I first started thinking of what made the difference between a friend and a best friend. At the time I didn't realize, but it was also how I could distinguish best friends from enemies.
There's this moment in You've Got Mail where they're talking about the feeling of never knowing what to say in an argument. Meg Ryan always thinks of the perfect thing, just a little too late. Tom Hanks on the other hand always knows what to say, but regrets it as soon as he does. I remember thinking that a best friend would always know all the worst things to say to you and never ever say any of it.
I don't remember when exactly it was that I thought of this. I wish I could say it was a Tuesday, driving around mid-afternoon in my car, windows down, hands tight on the wheel, foot loose on the gas, but I can't. I don't remember, I just remember the feeling as this thought coursed through me - power, sympathy, and something else.
It was a new friend that I realized this with. A friend that I had really been aware of when our friendship turned from good friends to best friends. With all my best friends before that, I had never noticed that moment, that particular best-friendship moment.
I remember looking at another friend of mine, my feet on her bed, and thinking, "She doesn't like feet on her bed." She looked at me and I knew she was thinking the same thing. Then she said, "Ya know, I really don't mind. With you." And that was it. We knew we were best friends, but that wasn't the start of it, of the best-friendship, just the moment we realized it.
With this friend though, it was after learning something new, something hidden and secret and powerful. I had peeked at something I felt like I shouldn't have. But I hadn't peeked - I had been given this knowledge. It was a gift, but the real gift was power. I had this new power over my friend, that I knew something that no one else did, not really anyway. And I didn't like it. I still don't like the idea that friendship has anything to do with power, who has it, who has more of it. All of a sudden though, our friendship had power.
This isn't to say that it didn't before. My friend already knew more of my embarrassing moments and 'secrets' than I would ever care to admit. I say 'secrets' because I can barely keep anything to myself, and I hate keeping things from friends. My friend wasn't like that though, wasn't a share-er, didn't just let any old thing slide. Everything was kept tight, under wraps, hidden away. And then shared like a Christmas present, like a gift I could never give back. Something my friend would never have wanted to take back either. Whatever it was, we could never go back from there.
It wasn't just a power shift that I felt, there was sympathy - I knew of someone else's pain, a fear, a secret. As a person, I'm very sympathetic, deeply feeling and understanding (I like to think I'm more the last one than I might actually be). This really wasn't much different. I felt a pang for the burden of all the secrets my friend carried, and knew that this was only one of many. Although this secret had now been shared with me, it did not make the secret any less of a burden for my friend. It had been and always would be something that weighed deeply on the mind.
With this secret, our friendship had changed irrevocably. And I liked it. I like that I had this new best friend, someone new to share things with - triumphs and losses, heartbreak and joy. I always hoped my friend felt the same way, and I think by sharing that secret, they had already felt it.With my friend and this secret and this moment, I realized something in a very strong and startling moment - it was something I could never ever say, and never ever use against them. I knew this secret had the power to hurt my friend if others knew, but I also knew it was a weakness, a kryptonite of a kind, and I could wield it against my friend like a sword sent straight to the heart. I knew that it was something I could never be truly forgiven for, if I ever did, and for years to come I would hold that thought in my heart. Whenever I was mad or upset, whenever I did something stupid in anger and frustration, I knew that line was there and that I would never want to cross it. I knew my friend's well being was more important than getting even.
That day I realized that was the difference between friends and best friends. If we had just been friends, I would never have known a secret like that. And if I had ever used it against him, we would have gone past best friends and into whatever dark land was on the other side of the line I didn't want to cross.
After graduating and leaving school, I've started to realize how important my friendships are, from college, high school, work even, and I just want to acknowledge that I might not have always been the best friend I could have been, but that all my friendships over the years have been so important to me.
